An HSP dilemma: overcoming the tension between fairness and forgiveness

Sensitivity often comes with a strong sense of fairness.  And, in my experience, that’s particularly true of HSPs.

Fairness is a quality I value and a driver in myself I wouldn’t change.  But it can sometimes be a problem too.  So much in the world isn’t fair and that can cause a lot of angst and outrage in us sensitives.

My sense of fairness has always been a challenge in the context of forgiveness.

That idea of letting go of negative feelings towards another because of something they’ve done (or not).  Received wisdom would have us forgive for our own sake, if not for the ‘offender’.  So as to free ourself from an emotion that will keep us stuck.

But that’s never felt fair or the answer to me.  In fact, quite the opposite.

It has the distinct whiff of letting someone off with something that wasn’t OK; of doing the work (to forgive) and the other person getting off scot-free, without any action on their part; of some sort of religious expectation that I fall short of and leaves me lacking as a person.

So, a double dollop of unfairness!

Years ago, I was watching a discussion on forgiveness on Nicky Campbell’s TV programme, ‘The Big Questions’.  A woman said something interesting: that it wasn’t the other person she had to forgive but herself, for feeling the way she did … because there was good reason for it.

That got closer to the nub of the issue for me.  More recently, I read an article that captured in a nutshell what I feel is needed to forgive.  Published in Psychology Today and written by Jonice Webb, the article breaks down the components that make true forgiveness possible:

• Acknowledgement of what wasn’t OK
• Accountability and remorse from the ‘offender’
• The ‘harmed’ person really feeling that apology and taking of responsibility

So simple, yet so often missing, unavailable or unoffered.

The article teases out why forgiveness doesn’t heal when these elements aren’t present.  And it outlines what someone needs to offer themselves in that situation – self-compassion, self-care and healthy boundaries.

So if you’ve ever had a problem with forgiveness and its intersection with fairness, then maybe the article will do the same for you as it did for me.  Validate.