How can I be an HSP and lack empathy?
That’s a question I’ve been asked a few times – and sometimes asked myself.
HSPs are known for high levels of empathy. It’s one of the key indicators in Elaine Aron’s DOES acronym (she coined the term ‘Highly Sensitive Person’).
Yet there are times when our empathy goes missing or is hard to find. This could be due to:
Lack of energy: HSPs put so much into everything, we’re often low on fuel or running on empty. Empathy takes energy and if we haven’t got it we can’t give it.
Own needs not being met: It’s difficult to feel empathy for others when we need it for ourselves. If we’re not being understood, we’ll struggle to offer understanding to someone else.
Sense of injustice: HSPs value fairness and mutuality. Empathy can be hard to come by if we feel a lack of reciprocity or that people are behaving in a way they wouldn’t accept themselves.
Boundary been crossed: HSPs don’t easily put boundaries in place but there’s a limit to what we’ll absorb. Our response to a boundary being crossed tends to be anger or hurt rather than empathy.
Being on the receiving end: We might understand someone has had a hard time or is struggling. But bearing the brunt of their problematic behaviour doesn’t encourage our empathy.
So, what can you do when you you find yourself lacking empathy?
Show self-compassion: It’s easy to judge and berate yourself in this situation. But what if your lack of empathy is a natural and reasonable reaction to something that’s not OK or is missing for you?
Understand the cause: Lack of empathy is a symptom, what’s important is its cause. Working out the reason will help you find your next first step. Whatever that might be.
Consider an energy audit: Where and to whom are you losing your energy? What recharges and nourishes you? Your energy is a key factor – as the saying goes, ‘You can’t pour from an empty cup’.
Be curious: What’s the situation telling you about yourself and what you need? Be gentle about what you notice. Be thoughtful about what you might do differently in future.
Cut yourself some slack: Accept that empathy might not be possible, either just now or at all. If it’s appropriate, you’ll find it again. If it isn’t, there’s something for you to understand and honour.
So don’t be confused. You can have empathy and lose it sometimes.
